Am I giving up?
It has been about half a year since I’ve written anything here. To be frank, I wasn’t even sure that I was going to write anything here again, but too many things happened recently which affected me a big deal and I felt the need to write them down.
My dad used to tell me the story of the carrot, the egg and the coffee beans. Each of them possesses distinct properties from the one another, but after boiled, they are changed entities with features different from before. The hard and sturdy carrot becomes all soft and mushy after it is boiled; the egg, so fragile and weak, becomes solid and substantial; the coffee beans, although small and seemingly trivial, are transformed into something fragrant and pleasant. I’ve always wanted to be the coffee, not only changing myself, but changing my surrounding for the better in the midst of turbulence and hardship. Regretfully, today, I could only see myself resembling the squashy carrot and not the wonder coffee beans.
Too many things happened this week that I do not know where to start. Problems had been stemming out all together at once and I would have thought this is a premature midlife crisis. But it seems to me that everything that has happened is gearing me towards a definite decision: not going to graduate school. But is it too late to take a sudden detour from the path that I was so determined and had worked on so much for the last 3 years of my college life?
Yesterday, my professor wanted to talk to me about my lab results and I know that he wasn’t really happy about them. My results were very inconsistent and many of them were irreproducible. That could only mean that my technique sucks. I had been very meticulous and careful while repeating the experiments yet things still get screwed up and fingers were pointing at me. It’s really frustrating especially after I have worked on the same experiment for the last 3 months. The task is very simple: it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to pipette and run the gel and yet, I managed to screw every experiment that I run. Maybe I’m just not competent enough to be in the lab. I’m already running out of ideas what might have gone wrong. I think I have given up.
Many people reprimanded me for fretting over the second matter, which is my term GPA. Some even hated me for saying that it was shitty. But they did not understand that companies only look at work experience and not CGPA for job applications. Those who cast flaming stones at me were future actuaries or bank managers, and they have good work experience to bolster their resume, while I, who am going to graduate school, rely solely on my CGPA and lab performance to get into a good graduate school. Having that said, I need a good CGPA more than they do. But that’s not really the big deal. What’s really sad is realizing that my academic limit is very low. I tried really hard this semester, spending most of my time either working in the lab or study but I did not manage to get an A for any of my classes. I have even given up playing DotA for 3 months for the sake of my grades but I still managed to screw up my grades. My mom used to tell me that I’m good at nothing but my studies, which I think was really true. But now, I am not even good at the only thing that I am supposed to be good at. It can only mean that I am good at nothing now.
I feel discouraged, helpless and depleted of human resources. I had done everything I could, and made the necessary sacrifices, but my attempts were fruitless. I am like the carrot, being strong and determined before starting my college career, and now I end up being weak and helpless. Perhaps I need a motivational strength to carry on. Perhaps I need to pray harder. Or perhaps this is a sign telling me that I am not a graduate student material after all. I will most probably go back home after I graduate and get a job. Why home and not stay in the US for a couple of years? Well, I felt a familiar yet inexplicable “force” drawing me back home, and that would be another story =) The question is, will I regret my decision five years down the road? Will I look back and wished that I wasn’t this erratic today? I don’t know…
My dad used to tell me the story of the carrot, the egg and the coffee beans. Each of them possesses distinct properties from the one another, but after boiled, they are changed entities with features different from before. The hard and sturdy carrot becomes all soft and mushy after it is boiled; the egg, so fragile and weak, becomes solid and substantial; the coffee beans, although small and seemingly trivial, are transformed into something fragrant and pleasant. I’ve always wanted to be the coffee, not only changing myself, but changing my surrounding for the better in the midst of turbulence and hardship. Regretfully, today, I could only see myself resembling the squashy carrot and not the wonder coffee beans.
Too many things happened this week that I do not know where to start. Problems had been stemming out all together at once and I would have thought this is a premature midlife crisis. But it seems to me that everything that has happened is gearing me towards a definite decision: not going to graduate school. But is it too late to take a sudden detour from the path that I was so determined and had worked on so much for the last 3 years of my college life?
Yesterday, my professor wanted to talk to me about my lab results and I know that he wasn’t really happy about them. My results were very inconsistent and many of them were irreproducible. That could only mean that my technique sucks. I had been very meticulous and careful while repeating the experiments yet things still get screwed up and fingers were pointing at me. It’s really frustrating especially after I have worked on the same experiment for the last 3 months. The task is very simple: it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to pipette and run the gel and yet, I managed to screw every experiment that I run. Maybe I’m just not competent enough to be in the lab. I’m already running out of ideas what might have gone wrong. I think I have given up.
Many people reprimanded me for fretting over the second matter, which is my term GPA. Some even hated me for saying that it was shitty. But they did not understand that companies only look at work experience and not CGPA for job applications. Those who cast flaming stones at me were future actuaries or bank managers, and they have good work experience to bolster their resume, while I, who am going to graduate school, rely solely on my CGPA and lab performance to get into a good graduate school. Having that said, I need a good CGPA more than they do. But that’s not really the big deal. What’s really sad is realizing that my academic limit is very low. I tried really hard this semester, spending most of my time either working in the lab or study but I did not manage to get an A for any of my classes. I have even given up playing DotA for 3 months for the sake of my grades but I still managed to screw up my grades. My mom used to tell me that I’m good at nothing but my studies, which I think was really true. But now, I am not even good at the only thing that I am supposed to be good at. It can only mean that I am good at nothing now.
I feel discouraged, helpless and depleted of human resources. I had done everything I could, and made the necessary sacrifices, but my attempts were fruitless. I am like the carrot, being strong and determined before starting my college career, and now I end up being weak and helpless. Perhaps I need a motivational strength to carry on. Perhaps I need to pray harder. Or perhaps this is a sign telling me that I am not a graduate student material after all. I will most probably go back home after I graduate and get a job. Why home and not stay in the US for a couple of years? Well, I felt a familiar yet inexplicable “force” drawing me back home, and that would be another story =) The question is, will I regret my decision five years down the road? Will I look back and wished that I wasn’t this erratic today? I don’t know…
posted by Elansargelmir | 8:02 PM
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