As I Grow Up...

More complains (part II)

2007-05-26T07:02:00.001-07:00

Oh boy! My stomach’s bloating from the BBQ chicken and sausages that I had during our picnic. I don’t reckon having that much food though. Just a whole chicken leg and a thigh, 3 sausages, some pasta and kimchi, 6 glasses of lemonade mixed with ginger ale and 2 popsicles. No wonder I feel gross right now. Feels like the food in my stomach is heading towards the other direction O____o Nonetheless, the food was really good, especially the BBQ chicken. Joe Jdsn certainly has a very easy way to prepare those BBQ chicken and they actually taste pretty good too. I think it’s all in the Baby Ray BBQ sauce. It’s not too strong and somewhat sweet, making you crave for more.

Aside from the food, we watched the movie outside the backyard. It was my second experience watching an outdoor movie with the thrills of sitting on fresh lawn, feeling the cool night breeze and being accompanied by little annoying bugs trying to dig out some of our blood for supper. While many people found the movie inspiring, I saw it as unreal. The movie, Facing the Giants portrays the faith of a football coach, Grant Taylor has in God in overcoming all the obstacles in his life. He was on the verge of losing everything – his car, his job, his fertility – but he trusted in God and continued to praise God for the trials and tribulations in his life. Not long after, the table was turned around. His football team began to show tremendous progress, from being a team who had never get into the playoffs to defeating the defending state champion (*yea right*); his students, out of gratitude, bought him a new truck; and his wife suddenly conceived a child even after the doctor told him that he was sterile. I guess what everyone else saw in this movie was to put all you’ve got in God and He will continue to bless you but I didn’t think so.
Perhaps I’m still bitter from what I’d been facing the last few weeks. I found myself hopeless in many situations similar to Coach Taylor yet we had different outcomes. While his team continues to improved, my experiment results were getting worse and worse. I couldn’t even perform Cysteine mutagenesis correctly. But maybe there’s a take home lesson from the movie – always have faith in God. During his weakest moment, with all human resources being stripped away from him, coach Taylor gave his all to God and trusted that God will show him his path. I guess that I haven’t had enough faith in God to lead me to wherever His plans are for me. I think it’s time that I stop complaining and do something about my life and my faith.

Am I giving up?

2007-05-25T20:02:00.000-07:00

It has been about half a year since I’ve written anything here. To be frank, I wasn’t even sure that I was going to write anything here again, but too many things happened recently which affected me a big deal and I felt the need to write them down.

My dad used to tell me the story of the carrot, the egg and the coffee beans. Each of them possesses distinct properties from the one another, but after boiled, they are changed entities with features different from before. The hard and sturdy carrot becomes all soft and mushy after it is boiled; the egg, so fragile and weak, becomes solid and substantial; the coffee beans, although small and seemingly trivial, are transformed into something fragrant and pleasant. I’ve always wanted to be the coffee, not only changing myself, but changing my surrounding for the better in the midst of turbulence and hardship. Regretfully, today, I could only see myself resembling the squashy carrot and not the wonder coffee beans.

Too many things happened this week that I do not know where to start. Problems had been stemming out all together at once and I would have thought this is a premature midlife crisis. But it seems to me that everything that has happened is gearing me towards a definite decision: not going to graduate school. But is it too late to take a sudden detour from the path that I was so determined and had worked on so much for the last 3 years of my college life?

Yesterday, my professor wanted to talk to me about my lab results and I know that he wasn’t really happy about them. My results were very inconsistent and many of them were irreproducible. That could only mean that my technique sucks. I had been very meticulous and careful while repeating the experiments yet things still get screwed up and fingers were pointing at me. It’s really frustrating especially after I have worked on the same experiment for the last 3 months. The task is very simple: it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to pipette and run the gel and yet, I managed to screw every experiment that I run. Maybe I’m just not competent enough to be in the lab. I’m already running out of ideas what might have gone wrong. I think I have given up.

Many people reprimanded me for fretting over the second matter, which is my term GPA. Some even hated me for saying that it was shitty. But they did not understand that companies only look at work experience and not CGPA for job applications. Those who cast flaming stones at me were future actuaries or bank managers, and they have good work experience to bolster their resume, while I, who am going to graduate school, rely solely on my CGPA and lab performance to get into a good graduate school. Having that said, I need a good CGPA more than they do. But that’s not really the big deal. What’s really sad is realizing that my academic limit is very low. I tried really hard this semester, spending most of my time either working in the lab or study but I did not manage to get an A for any of my classes. I have even given up playing DotA for 3 months for the sake of my grades but I still managed to screw up my grades. My mom used to tell me that I’m good at nothing but my studies, which I think was really true. But now, I am not even good at the only thing that I am supposed to be good at. It can only mean that I am good at nothing now.

I feel discouraged, helpless and depleted of human resources. I had done everything I could, and made the necessary sacrifices, but my attempts were fruitless. I am like the carrot, being strong and determined before starting my college career, and now I end up being weak and helpless. Perhaps I need a motivational strength to carry on. Perhaps I need to pray harder. Or perhaps this is a sign telling me that I am not a graduate student material after all. I will most probably go back home after I graduate and get a job. Why home and not stay in the US for a couple of years? Well, I felt a familiar yet inexplicable “force” drawing me back home, and that would be another story =) The question is, will I regret my decision five years down the road? Will I look back and wished that I wasn’t this erratic today? I don’t know…

Quitting Dota?

2006-09-09T15:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I decided to do something that might perhaps save my academic career: I quit playing DotA for the semester. Before that, I was already having trouble finding time to do the readings for my classes and the fact that the game was inside my computer would be a total distraction from my books. Besides that, I had been so engrossed in that game that I outcasted myself from my circle of my college friends in my sophomore year. The only friends that I had, were my DotA buddies.

Thus, the feeling of liberation - freedom from the temptation to procrastinate - as soon as I hit the "uninstall" caption was a relief to me after spending 1 futile hour trying to read the textbook and at the same time, logging on to battlenet every 10 minutes to see if I have enough buddies to play with. I am happy about my decision. I feel "free" from trying to log onto battlenet whenever I don't feel like reading (which is most of the time) and spending the next 3 to 4 hours playing DotA alone. I also regard this as an opportunity to extend my social network and have fellowship with my friends around me once again, something which I definitely didn't have time to do so last year.

However, not everyone was happy about my decision. Most of the warcraft "buddies" (I'm not sure if I would call them friends anymore after last night) showed strong objection against my decision and some refused to have anything to do with me after that. It's kinda sad that I've spent almost my entire sophomore year with them and they can just decide to discard me out of their clique in just a night. If they tried to get to my guilty conscience, then I guess they failed. It sort of made me more glad that I decided to quit DotA, knowing that my friendship with them was very transcient and it would happen anytime in the near future, if not yesterday.

Of course it's not easy to get over with an obsession within a day, or a week. Several times today I was so tempted to reinstall Warcraft because I was so bored (note; I still refused to do my readings). I guess it's the matter of time: if I can resist it long enough, soon I will be able to fill the voidness with readings.

The Volleyball Tournament aka Galbi Buffet

2006-08-13T16:12:00.000-07:00

BBC had its annual volleyball tournament yesterday. The games were competitive and even my team had some bad records throughout the summer practices, did surprisingly better. Fortunate for us, we had Austin and Jon Jdsn joining our team so that Jung Uk's burden (apparently, he's our only hitter and setter) could be divided to them. Everyone played their best yesterday despite our (excluding the staffs) athletic ineptness, although we did not win any prizes. The freshman team became the champion (with Daniel's unbelievable feat in returning spikes). Almost everyone was bitter with the freshman team because they stacked their team in the middle of the tournament (which is somewhat dirty, if not illegal, IMO). However, I'm contented with my prize: galbi (mmm... yummy). It's a Korean style bbq ribs which are sliced across the ribs and marinated with this wonderful (somehow remained secret to me) sauce that nothing can go wrong with galbi. However, I made a terrible mistake by drinking coke after eating the galbi and was inundated by uneasy and sick feeling in my stomach. That made me more cautious about drinking sodas after or during buffet in the future. And because of that, I could not enjoy the Chinese buffet at Tin Tin restaurant that we went to after the volleyball tournament, although I managed to stuff myself with some oysters, crab legs and shrimps. Mmmm....

Finally I got to watch Cars today. I'm not really into cars (especially race cars), but almost everyone that I talked to told me that it was really good, so I thought that I should give it a try. And I did not regret that decision. Perhaps this is the first time I mentioned in this blog that I really appreciate heartrending movies, and Cars is definitely one of those movies that reached into me and moved my sentiment. It's a very typical Disney movie with predictable storyline, but yet it leaves significant influences to its audience. It starts off with a rookie (and of course, immature) Mr. "One-man-show" race car (Lightning McQueen) who only cared about winning the Piston Cup and did not care if he had true friends. A misfortunate event happened to him and he detoured into a small sleepy and abandoned town Route 66 of Radiator Springs where he was forced to do community service in the town to fix the road that he damaged on his way there. And our hero-to-be was subjected to many humbling moments by befriending the rusty cars, the cars which he did not want to have anything to do with before. There, he learned many driving tricks which most ignorant race cars were ignorant of and he got to see the infamous champion of the Piston Cup for 3 times - the Hudson Hornett - showing off his "turn left if you want to turn right" stunt, which led Lightning McQueen to take the lead of the race. However, the most heartfelt scene of the movie was when McQueen finally realized that there are more important things than trophies which caused him to relinquish his championship to aid a crushed car to finish his race. He finally discovered that life is about the journey, and not the finishing line.

It is easier to know what McQueen realized than realizing it. This message is not alien to me; however, I am still looking only at the finishing line. Very often after I crossed the line, I could not feel completely accomplished and was left with insatiable feeling. And yet each time whenever I'm in a race or a trip, I failed to enjoy the journey. Perhaps this is attributed to my impatience that made me only look forward to the results. Maybe I am over-competitive. Or maybe I am just lazy that I want to get over with anything that I do as quickly as possible. Whatever it is, I must remember to take deep breaths, sit back and appreciate things around me once in a while, instead of only using them as stepping stones towards my goal. Although deep down in my heart I wanted to give up my trophy for a more meaningful cause, I don't think that I could. That's why I am ashamed of myself at times.

The Return of Elansargelmir

2006-08-03T16:41:00.000-07:00

Gosh! It had been a month since I logged on here. It's not that I went far away from civilization and got deprived of the internet. It was sheer slothfulness that I did not bother logging on. Many exciting and horrible things happened for the past month, but none of those events got scribbled down here. Well, I guess that I will just have to briefly (yes, briefly) summarize the major highlights of my life in the month of July.

I guess the most significant thing that actually happened to me was realizing that I had not been actually praying sincerely throughout my life. There were times when I earnestly prayed for God's aid, but most of the nights, I just prayed out of obligation and not a sincere heart. After attending the summer BBI prayer class conducted by Hae Chin Jdsn, I realized my prayed life was not going anywhere at all, and in fact, I wasn't even praying. There was no intimacy or "connection" with God during my prayers. My mind got easily distracted with worldly thoughts during my prayer time. From the prayer class, I've learned that I should pray with my heart, and not my mind, for my mind is part of the soul barrier that hinders me from connecting to God. That left me puzzled for days, however, I finally began to understand what it meant by praying with my heart without the distraction from the mind. After a few weeks for trying hard to pray that way, I began to "feel" the connection with God during my prayers. Perhaps it could be a psychological effect, but at least now I do not pray because I have, but because I want to. Now I hope that my prayer life can slowly gain its momentum and not does not backslide over time (knowing how lazy I can get after a while).

Last Saturday (July 31st), Brandeis-Wellesley ABSK group went on a semi-hike trip at White Mountain, New Hampshire. And finally I had the opportunity to walk along the Franconia Flume and seeing the famous Kissing Bridge myself (although I've seen a nicer picture of the bridge in the fall). The flume water was really cold and potable (well, I've seen Joe Jdsn and Daniel drank the water and nothing bad happened to them). It would be funny if I could store some water of the flume in a unique bottle and frame it up on my room wall. Nah, just kidding. The hike wasn't extreme at all (somehow I wished it was), and we spent most of the time ooh and ahh-ing at the beauty of the nature and take pictures. In fact, it was less than 2 miles hike (err... walk?). But the place was really refreshing and enjoyable (and I was liberated from DOTA for a day. YAY!). We also took a tramp up to Cannon Mountain, although we spent less than 30 minutes there. The view from the mid mountain was simply amazing and breathtaking: to have the best view of the mountain, I had to hold my breath while standing on the edge of the steep cliff so that I would not fall (hey, the view was really superb). We could have gone to the top of White Mountain (which I heard is far nicer than Cannon Mountain); however, the train trip to get up there costs $57 per person :/ Oh well, I got to learn to be content with what I had. A refreshing and cool trip in the middle of the scorching summer. And the best part of the trip was dinner! Oh yeah, we had this Red Apple Buffet (the world's best buffet restaurant in the world, so says the website that advertises it) that serves Chinese, Japanese, Italian and American buffet for a price that is cheaper than $11: $10.99 :D The food was really good for a buffet, and perhaps the best buffet in the world that I had for that day. The most unfortunate event of that day was the death of my Nautica backpack (that had served me faithfully for the last 4 years) during the hike. One of the straps got ripped off (I've foreseen this, but I didn't expect it to snap that soon). Now I hope that the new North Face backpack that I ordered online will arrive soon before I have to start using plastic bags to carry my things around.

For the past week, the weather got so hot that I had to take 4 showers in a day and still feel all sweaty and sticky after that. And I spent so much money buying gatorades and cold sodas to keep myself refreshed, but I am thankful that JPA gave us our fall allowance ahead of time so that I can use it on refreshments. And I've just bought my plane ticket to Chicago recently, which added more to my expenditure. Argh. Got to find new sources of income soon :/

Heavy rain on July 4th :(

2006-07-04T18:44:00.000-07:00

Wow! It's amazing how another week just slipped away so fast. And before I realized it, there's only like about 8 weeks left for the summer break. I have to make up my mind fast if I want to spend the last 2 weeks making money by working in the lab or go to Chicago to visit Ting Ann (sort of rewarding myself with a nice vacation, but in the expense of the traveling cost and 2 weeks' pay opportunity cost).

My body is still sore from the intensive outdoor activities these few days. On Saturday, the ABSK and I made a trip to Cannobie Lake Park (something like a mini-family version of Six Flags) and I actually had about 12 rides in total, which is pretty amazing, although some rides are disappointingly short. Nevertheless, that was the longest time I've ever spent in a theme park (like about 10 hours in total). Perhaps the funniest moment that I had during the trip was that on the Pirata (some kind of ride with a boat swingingin in a pendulum motion), this woman sitting across me was screaming her lungs out and her face was distorted so much so that I laughed througout the ride (kind of mean, but I couldn't help it). Other than that, things were pretty decent, although the fireworks were quite good.

Meanwhile, on Sunday, we had an intensive volleyball training to compensate for the last 2 weeks of practices that we missed. I actually managed to summon up my courage to go for the ball instead of standing there and expecting others to save the ball. I'm glad that I am not the "hole" that I was used to be anymore. Perhaps it was because that there were not that many competitive players in my team that put me more at ease, which kind of told me that it was alright if I screw up a little, which I did. Anyway, I had fun playing, although I wished that I didn't have to play that many matches in a day.

Monday was pretty boring and I won't go into it. So, while we were having our usual ABSK picnic on July 4th at Arsenal Park, there was terrible downpour and we had to stop our volleyball tournaments and packed up immediately. As soon as everyone reached their respective transports, most of us were drenched. The rain was so sudden, and worse of all, it stopped an hour later, when we had left for our homes. Actually, I think that we were kind of lucky that it just rained here because there was a hailstorm in Wrentham, which is near to Boston (yeap, that is the crazy weather of Massachusetts). I couldn't imagine how everyone would react if a huge chunk of ice fall onto us while we were still playing volleyball: would we start packing up, or would we just stand there in disbelief watching as the hail hit on us. And having a hailstorm would be pretty bad because it would be really hard to drive on the road back to our home with the ice falling down. So, basically we spent our whole day hanging out at Joe Jdsn's home watching the World Cup semifinal (those 2 darn last 3 minutes goals). And now, I'm back in my room trying to cram everything that happened last week into this blog while watching the beautiful fireworks from Cambridge through my windows. It was pretty good (even from afar), and this is because Boston's fireworks is ranked in the top 3 in the US. So, I guess that I can watch the fireworks from my favorite spot: in front of my laptop.

2 Days in 1: My unfortunate day with transformation and Superman: the Return

2006-06-28T20:05:00.000-07:00

I couldn't believe my luck! My transformation failed for the 2nd time (no colonies grew on the plate), and I just ran my third trial today hoping that it would work, or else I would have to postpone my whole week's of protein purification project. Currently, I am trying to blame the fault on something else besides myself, such as the agar plate itself; however, I was remembered that I was the one who prepared the plate. Urgh, got to find out the source of error real quick before my LB media gets bad. Fortunately, I had a nice "newbie" squash game with Tania at the gym today, which helped to mitigate my sense of frustration. I called it newbie because we did not know any of the rules and we just try to bounce the small semi-inelastic ball off the wall to one another. It was a good workout for me, but I guess it was just a warm up for Tania. That should put me to shame that I have such a low level of fitness compared to her. And shame on me! While I was trying to be fit over the summer, here I am munching away on Chips Ahoy (my third dinner for the night) dipped in milk. I guess the day that I look like Brandon Routh will just never arrive.

Talking about Routh, I just watched Superman: the Return on iMax theatre last night, and it was the preview (yeah, the movie officially starts tonight). And the cool thing was that parts of the movie was in 3D. Seeing Superman zooming in and out of the flat 2-dimensional screen was a thrilling experience, especially when you thought that the spaceshuttle (or whatever that was going to fall on you) was actually going to land on you. Also, 3D graphics can be really psychological: when the images of snow flakes fell on me, I shivered unintentionally, subconciously thinking that the icy cold water droplets would trickle down my neck when the snowflakes melt. Yeah, that was kind of silly, but it got me there.

Another cool feature the movie was that Brandon Routh (Clark Kent aka Superman) really resembles the deceased Christopher Reeve: they have the same body build, character, and even the same voice. And the beginning and the ending of the movie are very faithful to the earlier 2 Superman movies, which I think was cool albeit the credit fonts could use some technological touch in them.

One character that I dislike most in the movie (nope, not Lex Luthor, although he is a good antagonist, I must say) is Lois Lane. Her character was just absurd and I do not think that she understands Superman well enough to actually love him. And I think that she was apathetic towards the people around her. The most obvious reason was because we know that although Lois shared many intimate moments with Superman, she could not see the resemblance of Superman in Clark Kent. Was it because she chose to focus on the superstar and could not care less of the people around her? Superman did not bother to undisclose his identity (or else we would be watching a masked Superman), yet she wasn't aware of that. Did she love Superman because he is a world celebrity and paid less attention to the mediocre Clark Kent? Even her son and fiance, who have just met Superman, could see the resemblance between Superman and Clark Kent. Also, during the 5 year-period when Superman left, she became bitter and resentful towards Superman, which made her win the Putlizer Prize for her article entitled "Why the world does not need Superman". That wouldn't really make sense because she was the closest to Superman and should understand his motives and actions. Perhaps she was being emotional because she had his baby. Maybe she thought that Superman had left for good and would never return again; however, if only she had pooled her thoughts together, she could perhaps reason out why Superman was missing, or maybe have a little faith in her that one day he will return. Even Margeret, Superman's foster mother, knew that Clark would one day return, so why couldn't she? Maybe the director would think of adding a few touches on Lois's character in the next movie so that her love for Superman would be more convincing.

Research? Urgh...

2006-06-22T15:01:00.000-07:00

So... It's already 6 pm and I am still stuck in the lab waiting for my polyacrylamide gel to stain before I can destain it. An average lab worker can afford to run 5 gels (and do many other peripheral tasks) in a day. However, it took me the entire day to run a single gel, after screwing up 3 gels in the morning. I think it was sort of my fault for not diluting the buffer 10 times before loading them onto the gel; however, I don't think that I should be blamed for the leaking apparatus that caused the gel to leak before it polymerized and therefore, earning a "you-screwed-up-again" glare from my post-doc. I think that my post-doc and I will be having a GREAT time over this summer :/

This summer has actually changed my entire scope of life, and I am rethinking of my career option (although there are not many choices to begin with). I mean, before working in the lab, I had this ambitious idea of getting my degrees and pursue my PhD at some prestigous graduate school. I had always thought that research is thrilling, because it means that one might make some shocking discovery that will shake the world. Yeah, dream on!

Working in this lab has made me realized what research is all about: trying to prove or answer your hypotheses. Discoveries are rare, and that only happens if one did something out of the norm and have a good sense of what's going on (+ luck too). Else, one will be spending his life trying to answer his questions by doing research (it's more like a curiosity quencher, where you find the answer on your own).

So, why do I think that doing research is not my thing? After spending weeks and weeks of pipetting solutions (mostly transparent or white, the most exciting ones are yellow) without having a general idea what those particles (the smal things that swim in the solution) do when you mix them together, it is just a laborious and boring task, especially when you spent an entire week trying to harvest 1 miligram (that's actually a lot) of protein which appears like air limau manis [but don't ever attempt to drink it!], or sometimes, the proteins did not turn out right and you have to redo the whole week's experiment again. Perhaps the most fun thing is analyzing the results on the gel. But as I have mentioned above, I suck at making gels... So, why research?

Therefore, I am actually reconsidering my naive idea of going to a graduate school to earn my PhD. I mean, getting a doctorate is very appealing, but at the same time, that would be like 4 - 6 years of pipetting and running gels. Do I really want to do that? However, I do not know what other career path that I can opt for with a major in Biochemistry. Perhaps being a CEO in a pharmaceutical company (another aspiring-yet-absurd facade) with my Econ degree might work, but that would require all sorts of miracle to happen. Urgh...

Sometimes I just do not wish to grow up. Life in high school or college seems more carefree. We can choose what we want to study for a short time of period, and switch to other fields if we do not like that current field, or continue to persue the course deeper if we were drawn towards the course. However, a career requires a long term commitment: it is very rare to see an accountant becoming a novelist in a year, or an aerospace engineer becoming a dentist (unless they have already pursued both careers at the same time). Thinking about what I will be doing 20 years down the road really scares me. I really do not wish to leave college...

Things were not going right...

2006-06-14T05:38:00.000-07:00

I should have probably scribbled this down last night, but I was too tired from Green TD (introduced by Steven) that I went to bed immediately at midnight. Yeah, shame on me for not getting over with the Warcraft addiction yet.

So, after being yelled for 3 hours by my post-doc for the blunders that he made, I decided that it was a lovely weather to go out for a 1.5-mile run. It was all nice and such, until after I was done running it became scorching hot that I thought I would pass out before reaching my dorm. And yeah, I was such in a hurry to make it back to my room that I forgot to grab my dinner from nearby restaurant.

And because of that, I decided to nuke my own pizza. And things would have turned out well, if only I did not answer the phone and was late for 2 minutes to salvage my pizza from the oven. True to what I was afraid of, I have successfully burnt my pizza. Well, it didn't look that bad. I mean, the meat sauce and cheese looked good, except for the pepperoni which had turned reddish black (urgh! I don't like burnt pepperonies). That was until I decided to take a bite and tasted carbon (yiewww!!!), and it turned out that I had burnt the crust bottom crust. Despite the bitter taste of the carbon (the lovely meat sauce made up for that), the hungry me was still able to chow down 3/4 of the whole pizza (it's not that big...).

Anyway, the weather today looks good for running, but I hope the whole event yesterday will not repeat itself today. And while I'm jutting down all this down, I realize that I am 15 minutes late for work. Holy cow!!!

The Mysterious Suitemate

2006-06-12T14:58:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that I have not been quite faithful to my blog since my last entry. The reason is - Warcraft. I have invested my whole weekend playing Defi4nc3 RPG and DOTA that I have a big migraine on Sunday morning. I can't blame that on anyone else but myself.

And finally I've met my suitemate, a Biology grad student (whom my friends dislike). Before I go any further, let me explain to you why I made this meeting an issue. When I first moved into my suite on June 2nd, he had already moved in (his kitchen utensils and food were all over the pantry and the bathroom was filled with toiletries), but I did not get to meet him that night. For 1.5 weeks, I had been trying to "bump" into him (well, I need to at least meet him since we are going to share the suite for the rest of the summer), but whenever I heard him in the kitchen and tried to meet him there, he was gone (door closed immediately *thump*). Several times when I had my door open, the door to his room was shut immediately after it was opened (our doors are facing each other). That was weird, and I concluded that my suitemate was trying to avoid meeting me.

Until this morning, while I was pouring myself a glass of milk in the kitchen, he walked in and we said "hi". Then he went into the bathroom and I went back to my room. It was a brief encounter, but oh well, at least I have met him, although I doubt that we are going to say anything more than "hi". Perhaps I am trying to be too cool, or perhaps I just don't feel like talking to him at all (unlike my last summer's suitemate, whom I think was one of the best suitemate ever). I guess that my current suitemate and I will be just 2 strangers living under the same roof. Nope, it's not going to change...

The Mysterious Suitemate

2006-06-04T16:21:00.000-07:00

This is a bad news... I've moved into my new room for 2 days and I haven't met my roomate once. I knew that he has moved in because his utensils and food are all over the pantries while his toiletries are already arranged neatly in the bathroom. The funny thing was when I first moved into my new room, I thought that I got into the wrong room. Why? Let's say that the housing management told me that my suitemate is a guy; however, the stuffs in the kitchen and bathroom are something which I believe most girls will have (I might be a little bit sexist here, but seeing "Extra Virgin Olive Oil" on the food rack, fragrant candle in the bathroom and "Spinach Lover" in the refridgerator really threw me off, and I thought that I got into the wrong room since it was obviously a girl's suite). That was until I heard his voice in the kitchen with his friends: then I knew that he was a dude.

Yeap, but I still haven't bumped into him, let alone making a formal introduction. It's not that I am trying to be arrogant (or lan si), but the fact that he didn't come into my room to introduce himself the night I moved in (I knew he was in his room watching the TV) tells me that he would not appreciate any introductions. But Dan told me this morning that I should at least have a few words with him, since he's going to be my suitemate for the summer. I guess he is right. After all, it will really be awkward for me to share the same kitchen and bathroom with a guy that I have never talked to. I mean, somehow we got to coordinate between us about emptying the trash can or replacing the toilet papers. I guess that I should start thinking of an ice breaker to be said later today, instead of just saying "Hi, my name is Sher Mern and I am very pleased to meet you. I am glad that you are going to be my suitemate, and by the way, can I use your microwave oven?"

Saying goodbye is one of the hardest things to do

2006-06-03T14:33:00.000-07:00

I was glad that I didn't cry that night when I left for the US. I've told myself not to, but I did shed a few drops of tears. I wished that I had a merrier departure; but I guess that you couldn't really be joyful about leaving behind those you love and care for. It sort of killed me when I walked through the check in gates and looked back to give a goodbye wave to my family.

As I walked through the gate, I kept asking myself why didn't I try to make my presence back home more worthwhile instead of playing dota every night? Why didn't I try to make them happier when I had the opportunity to? Why didn't I talk to them more? Don't get me wrong. I did spend my time with them, but I wish that I had spent much more. Sigh...

The reason why I was dying to study abroad was to be independent of my family. The further I was away from them, the better it was for me. To be truthful, before going back, I was not looking forward to this trip at all. I used to find it hard to fight for my freedom back home and to avoid my mom from over-controlling my life. However, when I was home this time, surprisingly I found myself free to do whatever or go wherever I wanted to, without my mom's pesterings (except that she still decided how I should take my shower). And I could communicate better with my dad, something which I found it awkward to do so a few years back. I guess that 2 years away from home had made me and my parents more tolerant and accomodative towards each other (my parents have a much larger contribution in this aspect than I do). Finally, I found myself yearning to be home with my family once again.

Thus, not surprisingly, when I arrived at my room last night, I called them right away (something that I didn't do at all for the last 2 years). Listenning to their voice over the phone made me felt at home. I think that I owe them an apology for neglecting them all the while I was in the US, but I want to apologize to them without telling them directly (it's pretty a pretty complicated thing. I think my friend Kenny might understand what I mean). I'm glad that this trip back home had triggered the guilty conscious in me and I am looking forward to going back next summer (hopefully).

Four more days (or less)

2006-05-29T02:04:00.000-07:00

This morning, my mom discretely hugged me while I was asleep (well, you should have guessed that I wasn't fully asleep that time to realized it). She knows that I wouldn't appreciate it if she gets too touchy with me, and perhaps that was the reason she hugged me while I was asleep. That made me really feel bad because I have not been spending as much time as I should have with her and my dad while I was back home.

It's already Monday, and I am supposed to leave for the United States on Thursday night. To say that I am excited about the whole journey back would be an atrocious mendacity. I doubt that any one would ever enjoy saying goodbye to their favorite people or things. Neither do I. My next trip back home might be 2 years later, and that is if I did not manage to get into a good graduate school in the US.

I can't help blaming myself for my bad planning for this trip: I could have been back home for a month instead of just 2 weeks. There are only 3 or 4 more days left before I fly. I guess that I should have a nice talk with my parents tonight, instead of glu-ing myself to DOTA. I hope that it is still not too late to do spend time with them.

Why did I start this blog?

2006-05-26T12:06:00.000-07:00

I was never an avid blog reader. In fact, I've once told my friend that I couldn't see myself writing my own blog. And a year later, here I am typing away on this page (yes, my blog). Ironic as it seems, I believe this is what most people do: they make bold statements before thinking in the long run. They (and by that, I included myself) failed to foresee what they would be doing a few months or years down the road. However, I do not think that the fault lies entirely on them (us?). Changes in circumstances and environment cause them to rethink and deviate from the vows they once decided on.

And this brings back to my original question: Why did I start this blog? Many things involving the people around me happened recently (or was it just that I began to use my eyes and brain to perceive and think? That's a good thing, I hope), and I was overwhelmed by these series of events so much so that I have to pen it down somewhere. Maybe I wasn't ready to cope up with the changes around me after I've left for a couple of years to study in Singapore and the United States. I do not know what I would accomplish by writing this blog, but I hope that somehow I will gain something good out of it.

Like I've mentioned earlier, I was rarely read blogs, and I can't promise myself that I would diligently attend to my blog often. However, I hope that I will be able to learn how to channel my thoughts, feelings and emotion into words as I work on this. I am also having high hopes that blogging helps me to think, something I haven't been doing since I could remember.

Anyway, it's already 3.57 am and I ought to be in bed. I'll try to get my first real posting done sometime by this weekend.
Till then,